You Can't Make Mistakes.

A few weeks ago, I felt terribly ill after a week of working like crazy on various projects and then helping to throw a fundraising party. At the time it felt like my digestion completely shut down. I didn’t want to eat; I woke up in the morning and was sick to my stomach, nauseous: the whole deal. I believed that it was a result of stress and not taking care of my body properly. That was confirmed this week when I came down with the flu on Wednesday. Again, a crazy week of working like mad on projects, planning a fundraiser, doing paperwork, writing papers and preparing for a presentation on Tuesday. There is no way that I should get the flu this late in the season—and it certainly isn’t good timing considering the late date within my last semester of coursework.

I have always known that stress can have an effect on physical health, but I have never really understood how readily that works. I have also usually not succumbed to it in this way. What is upsetting is that I know that I work most efficiently when I am under pressure, or staring down a deadline. My best stuff is produced in situations like this. I have wished for a long time that there were a way to make myself feel as though I were facing down a deadline all the time so that I would be able to get more work done.

Well, I don’t wish for that anymore.

I have been staring down deadlines since I got involved with Kalamazoo Pride. Self—sort of—imposed deadlines, I suppose, but deadlines nonetheless. The effect is not the same though. With a normal deadline, I feel that I have an end. With constant deadlines, I feel like I am drowning—which is ironic, considering that feel like I can’t breathe right now, due to the flu.

I suppose that this is some part of cognitive development. We learn to deal with stressors as we develop. I am firmly under the belief that a lack of any kind of stress will cause depression and anxiety. I am reminded, however, of the caveat to take everything in moderation. Just as one can only take so much of a lack of stress before becoming bored and then depressed, one can only take so much stress before becoming crazed and then manic.

For me, this manifests as anger: either way. If I become depressed: anger. If I become overly stressed: anger. It is something that I have struggled with my whole life and will struggle with for the rest of my life. One thing that I have learned over time, though, are some ways, and more importantly, reasons for maintaining patience even in the most stressful situations. That doesn’t mean that it isn’t still difficult to do.

Frankly, more than anything else right now, I am looking forward to September. All I will have to do is study Arabic in the mornings and finish writing my thesis in the evenings. To me right now, that seems like a light day; practically a vacation day.

Bring me a Turkish coffee and some falafel and count me in.